I wrote this when I was very grief stricken and upset. My life was a mess. But I know everyone has that one person who they would let walk in and out of their lives as many times and they wanted, just to keep them in their life. This is how I was feeling about that one.
Someone help. I lost the love of my life over things that seem irrelevant now.
We were in a long distance relationship and it was taking a toll on both of us. He has trust issues and sometimes would express that to me in way that I couldn’t emotionally handle. But I wanted to help him overcome those problems, and simultaneously this would help me develop further emotionally. But at times I lost my sanity because I care so much.
You know when you can’t stand to have someone out of your life. Every little thing they do mystifies you and you love it and want more of them. You could never get sick of that person. You know, when every little thing reminds you of them. Almost all you the things you think about revolves around that person. Things that they would like or dislike and you think of their opinion on every day things. You dont need anyone else. You want to share everything with them and have a future together. They’re the first person you tell everything to. The way that you feel when you are with them is unbeatable. Even just talking on the phone or a simple text will make your day. If they’re feeling down you want to lift them up, it’s your job to cheer them up. That look that they get when you share a moment. Or those late night heart to heart talks. The way that person’s eyes light up when they talk about something they love. Their smile in general.
That person has the power to tear you apart and that scares you but at the same time you would let them do whatever they wanted because all you want is for them to be happy. But at the same time, there’s flaws that bother you because they could be red flags. Little things said during fights pop into your mind and cloud your judgement. But you know what it feels like to be without them. So you don’t care about the red flags because you want to keep them in your life. But subconsciously you do care. It drives you crazy.
So you don’t meant to, but if you’re going to be honest with them, you say something and in that way let it affect your relationship. You tell them your irrational fears hoping they’ll tell you to calm down and relax.
You say things you don’t mean to during arguments because you’re desperate to be with them. The world is a large dark rain cloud without them.
But ultimately it’s your fault for bringing up things you couldn’t get past. But also their fault for pressuring you sometimes. Making you talk about things you feel uncomfortable talking about. You’re not ready for that. You can’t face your emotions.
Being without them makes you tremble and shake and cry for days.
You can’t sleep at night without them.
How am I supposed to cope without him?
I don’t even want to get over him. I have no desire but for him.
No other guy interests me because they’re not him.
Guys walk by me in public and I see him.
This is so unhealthy.
We broke up for good today and he never wants to talk to me again.
I can’t even fathom that.
My heart fills up with sorrow as I think about that.
Not existing anymore seems like the only way out. Nothing’s worth trying for without him by your side.
I’m a wreck right now.
I don’t even want to be comforted unless its by him. I need his comfort. I need him to tell me he needs me and wants our future together. My heart was set on this. Being together is the only thing that would easy this insufferable pain.
This is not what I intended.
But then again I did this to myself.
This was the right relationship wrong time. But then again maybe it wasn’t right. Your values don’t line up, and that’s a deciding factor, right?
You can’t eat.
The idea of eating food and satisfying your hunger is sickening. The only sustenance you need is his love.
This is a totally illogical rant but I have so many emotions right now.
Someone please give me some clarity.
Again the only thing that will make me feel better is him.
But I need to know its going to be okay.
I’m losing my mind.